Can Guys Really be "Just Friends" With a Woman They are Attracted to?

So you have finally met a girl who is beautiful, interesting, funny, loving, and smart. You muster your courage and suppress your fears of rejection and you ask her out. To your surprise, she says yes!

You go on a date and have a great time, but when you call her the next day to thank her for the date, she doesn’t pick up.

You leave her a message and fumble over your words (because you weren’t prepared to leave a message and now you are over-analyzing your words, tone, speed, and the excitement in your voice).

After all, you don’t want to sound depressed while leaving a message, but you don’t want to sound desperate or too excited either. Confusing isn’t it.

You finally hang up the phone after re-recording your voice mail three times.  Although you can’t remember what you said or didn’t say, you are sure you asked her to give you a call when she has a chance to talk.

You give her some time and space, you even pray about what to do or not to do moving forward. When a couple days go by and you still haven’t heard from her you decide to call her again.

You hope she answers, but just in case she doesn’t, this time you have a better idea of what you will say on the voice mail.

You dial her number and she answers. Awesome! Maybe you were right in thinking that she was busy with friends and Bible studies; maybe she wasn’t blowing you off.  But as you begin conversing you can tell that she is acting different. Different. Ugh.

She is polite, kind, and very much acting like a… friend.  But by the time you realize what she might be thinking, she mentions something to you about how she would love to be your friend.

There it is again… the “F” word, friend.

Can I not escape that stupid word? You play it cool and tell her that you understand and that you want to be her friend too, blah, blah, blah. Immediately afterward she mentions that she can’t talk much today because she is on her way to meet her friend, but before she hangs up she invites you to a BBQ she is hosting this weekend.

You thank her for the invite and tell her you will get back to her.

You hang up the phone and realize that you are confused. She didn’t say she NEVER wants to date you… maybe she is the type of girl who likes to be friends with a guy before she thinks about dating him seriously.

Maybe she is still hurt from her last relationship; she did mention something like that on your date… or maybe she is not interested at all and is just letting you down easy!

But if she wasn’t interested at all why would she want to be friends and ask me to hang out again this weekend? You are not sure what to think, what to do, and how to be “just friends” with girl you are completely attracted to.

I personally don’t think that a guy or gal can be close friends with someone they are attracted to after knowing that the other person doesn’t think of them in a romantic way. True, people can change their mind, but I have never changed my mind… Maybe others have. I might have tried to change my mind, especially with the awesome guy friends I have had, but in the end, if I wasn’t attracted to him or couldn’t see myself dating him, we usually (for one reason or another) went our separate ways. Usually, the guy couldn’t just be my friend, he wanted to win me over or somehow try to convince me that we should date.

If you are trying to be friends with a guy who isn’t respecting your desire for friendship and is constantly trying to insist that you should be feeling something that you clearly don’t feel, then that person probably isn’t the “friend” that you deserve. A friend won’t insist on his own way, his own agenda, or his own timing. A friend would respect your feelings and boundaries. Hypothetically, let’s say for some reason he was convinced that you were the one, then he would seek to honor you and God in the interim. He would find ways to serve and bless you, not rush or pressure you to come to the same conclusion he has made.

If you know you are interested in a woman, and in one way or another she has communicated the importance of the “F” word, can you really be “just friends” with the girl? I personally don’t think so, but I would love to hear from those of you who think otherwise.


  1. In short, yes. It takes maturity, selflessness, and respect for the woman (or man), but it is possible.

  2. Be friends if you must, but watch your boundaries and be open to date others. Don’t give her the level of time, patience, sacrifice, and understanding that belongs to your future girlfriend or wife. That type of intimacy is earned in an emotional/relational commitment that she did not want to give you.

    Giving up too much emotionally or physically without an appropriate commitment by the other usually gets the same results for either gender: wasted time and a broken heart.

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