Shy Guys: Do They Ever Ask Girls Out?

Have you ever been interested in a guy who was overly shy? I mean really shy. Like the kind of guy who looks your way and smiles at you every time you see him, but then you never really talk? In fact, he never really talks to any girls.

Have you ever thought you should ask him out instead of waiting for him to make the first move?

Yeah, me too.

My freshman year of college there was this shy guy on the basketball team who caught my eye.  I played golf, we both had the same classes, tutors, and schedules, so we saw each other a lot.

I couldn’t tell if he liked me (I could never tell when any guys liked me, let alone a shy guy).

He was really sweet, made me laugh, and he was really good looking! One day during study hall I thought, you should just ask him out already. What’s the big deal anyway?

Shy guys need a little help asking girls out, right?

I thought about asking him out, but in the end I decided not to and here’s why.

I need a man, who, even if he is shy, will take risks and be bold enough to ask me out. I need a confident man. And if God is ever telling a man to ask me out, and for one reason or another the guy doesn’t ask me out, well, that is between him and God.

Shy or not, I need a man who will do something that God tells him to do even when it seems hard, scary, or when it makes him nervous.

Seriously, if a guy doesn’t have enough guts to ask me out, he is not going to be courageous enough to date me and do other adventurous things with me in the future.

The same is true for you.

During my junior year,  that guy who I had a crush on, finally asked me out.  He was still shy, but what I didn’t know was that he wasn’t walking with the Lord during my freshman year.

He said he liked me and wanted to date me, but he had the fear of God in him.  He and all the other guys knew that I was a woman of God, so he never tried to ask me out.

God has protected me from men (who would try to corrupt me) in a lot of different ways, one of those ways is by telling them not to ask me out.

Even if you like a shy guy, that shouldn’t alter the gender balance to the point where you feel like you should asking him out.

Let guys pursue you and never settle. All the shy guys I knew in college got asked out by girls all the time, but when they really wanted to date a girl, they would ask her out.

This may sound odd or confusing, but the next time you think you need to ask out a shy guy, wait. Your dateless lifestyle may actually be a blessing right now. Thank God for all the ways He is protecting you and keeping you pure!

Remember this: God doesn’t need your help, but He asks for your love, obedience, patience, and trust.


  1. You should of asked him out and gotten to know him before jumping to conclusions.
    Talking to girls is very hard for many. I assume nobody is interested in me anymore. Having a nice girl come to me asking for a date would really build my confidence.

  2. I am a shy guy, but you I don’t think you should think like this. Sometimes if you ask the shy guys out, they will open up and you’ll find out that they aren’t really shy, they are just purely shy around others of the opposite sex. However once you are comfortable in each others presence you will find out that, he really isn’t so shy.

    1. Hi Jonathan,

      I think it’s great for women to talk to shy guys, I am only suggesting that women wait and let the men ask them out. Out of curiosity, why do you think you don’t ask women out?


  3. Well I am a guy and I have a severe panic disorder. My fear of rejection plus many other fears makes it virtually impossible to ask out a girl. If you girls have such low self-esteem and confidence issues that you can’s ask out a guy well that’s plain sad. You are going to miss out on knowing a great 23 year old guy.

    1. Hi Dave,

      Your panic disorder sounds hard to deal with… and I know rejection can be hard to take. But please hear me out, I am not saying girls shouldn’t ask guys out (or that they don’t ask guys out) because they are insecure. I am simply suggesting that they let the guys initiate. Here’s why: Being a man encompasses many things, and being an awesome husband, so many more things. That said, there will be far more difficult tasks that a husband will face than asking a girl to go on a date with him. By practicing doing the hard things and the things that may initially scare him, he will become a better man in the process.


  4. I really needed to read this. I am very interested in a sweet, shy guy who I have been told likes me. I was SO tempted to ask him out. He came pretty close to asking me out a few weeks ago, and I feel a little annoyed he didn’t ask him. So I considered taking matters into my own hands and asking him. After reading this, I think it is better I wait. I do think that the guy needs to do the pursuing, and set the tone, and speed of the relationship, especially at first.

    I have been blessed with the gift of gab, and I am a social butterfly. It’s very difficult for me to sit and wait for him. I am doing my best to keep busy with girlfriends and enjoying every day.

  5. Fear of rejection can definitely be a big factor for even guys who are otherwise fairly confident. Approval is something we all tend to crave from other people constantly.

    There’s a reason women are attracted to confident men who don’t even flinch when asking them out, though. Deep down, they want to feel safe and protected! They also want adventure, fun, and humor. But they want to be cared for by a strong man, as well.

    We live in a culture of chronic adolescence, especially for boys. Boys don’t really become “men” until much later than used to be the case. So guys tend to need a little help and coaching to build confidence, not only in dating, but in many areas of life.

    Guys, follow me on Twitter @DorkDoctorDan for daily tips and inspiring quotes related to men’s confidence! Thanks!

  6. My problem isn’t asking a girl out. It’s the idea that she might think I’m too boring because I don’t go to parties, clubs, or have tons and tons of friends with crazy stories. I live at home while in college and don’t do much besides work, go to school, etc. It would be alot nicer if women weren’t attracted to just excitement. It seems like love these days has been replaced by manipulation, and who has a better way with words.

    1. Women are attracted to a gentleman, a guy who knows how to hold a conversation, someone who is thoughtful, and yes, interesting. Personally, I never thought guys at “parties” were interesting because “partying” wasn’t my thing. Maybe find church groups or social groups/clubs that meet in your city and are comprised of people who like the same things you like. A girl wants to love a man who has a plan, a vision for his life…

      What are your goals? What is your vision for your life? What is GOD telling you to do?

      Keep me posted on any progress; I will be praying for you.


  7. You have to realize that a man is shy for a reason. If he has been rejected a lot, and is in need of a little assistance then I don’t see a reason why a women should not help him along. Just because a man is shy in the beginning does not mean that he will be shy in the long run or that he is shy about all things related to women, or a relationship. A guy asking a girl out is what we consider normal, but if a man has had less than “normal” experiences with women, and the women is really interested, she should just ask him out. Its easy to say that guy should suck it up and ask even when he is scared, but don’t let that same reasoning hold a women back from asking a man. If you want love then somebody is going to have to take a risk.

    1. Hi Jay,

      I understand that women can be hurtful in their rejections of guys, and I am sorry for that. But if a man has been so scarred by his past experiences with women to the point that he doesn’t want to ask them out, maybe he should deal with that pain and hurt first before trying to enter into a new relationship. If that pain isn’t dealt with, healed, forgiven, he will (unintentionally) bring that hurt into his future relationships and it won’t do him or the woman any good.

      Dealing with past hurts is so important in order to let yourself truly love and be loved by your spouse. I hope this helps.


  8. I gained a lot of insight by reading this article. I am really struggling with the waiting part. But I fully agree that if a Godly man wants something enough he will have courage from the Lord to seek after it. There is a guy in my church group who I have been interested in for a while. Several months. Nothing seems to happen. I initiate conversation and he does not continue it very far. Other times he is very outgoing and talkative in a group setting and somewhat flirty toward me specifically. He has mentioned in a different context that he is shy to open up to new people actually calling himself a shy guy. It’s kind of the mixed signals thing going on and sounds very grade school but the thing is we are in our late 20s. I would say I’m shy around guys I’m attracted to. I don’t want to push him into asking me out but I’m not sure he would do it otherwise.

    1. Hi Tracy,

      I am wondering how your situation has changed since your email. Shy guys do come around and ask people out, but more importantly, what do you feel like God is telling you? In general, and this is very general, if a guy likes a girl, he will ask her out; if he doesn’t, he won’t.

      Guys don’t ask girls out that they don’t like, they will tolerate girls that initiate and do a lot of stuff for them (cooking tasty meals and all of that), but essentially, a guy will make a move when he is ready or when he meets a girl that he doesn’t want to lose. Maybe he isn’t ready, mature, or secure enough in himself to be with a woman right now. Even if he seems like a great guy, you need a man (in marriage) who is going to think as much about you and your needs as he does his needs. That is a maturity thing.

      Trust me when I say that you are better off single than dating a man or being married to a man who is immature, selfish, or doesn’t want to lead your relationship.

      I hope this helps… There are great guys out there still!


  9. Sorry Lindsey I disagree with you on this one
    “Seriously, if a guy doesn’t have enough guts to ask me out, he is not going to be courageous enough to date me and do other adventurous things with me in the future.
    The same is true for you.”
    I don`t know what being shy has to do with being adventurous.
    Didnt Ruth ask Boaz to marry her?

    1. Hi Joe,

      Well, if you read the book of Ruth, in chapter two, verse 8, you will see that Boaz approached Ruth first. She was working and he went out of his way to show her kindness and ensure that she was respected and favored. She would have never even met Boaz had he not done all the things he did for her. She might have just kept working and gone into another person’s field, after all, that was how she (unknowingly) came into Boaz’s field (vs.3). And, if you keep reading, in verse 14, Boaz invited Ruth over for dinner… interesting, don’t you think?

      The story of Ruth is an awesome story and when she approached him later, it was done so with the wisdom and counsel of her mother-in-law who knew of the marrying regulations that applied to Ruth as a widow. But besides that, when you focus your Bible readings to the sections that highlight a man’s role as a husband you will find that the leadership role is one of the biggest roles he has. Leadership doesn’t just happen when you say “I do” it begins while you are single. Godly leadership is all about humility

      Just some thoughts; I hope you have a great day.

  10. Ms. Isham – Still trying to find this connection between the guy who asks women out ( I would never attempt such a thing, if she likes me she will approach) and the guy who will
    somehow, someday be a better man and a better husband. Strange how the women do not need “coaching” , or “development” or training so that they can be “awesome” wives to their
    awesome husbands.

    1. Hi Dave,

      Of course women need coaching and instruction on how to be awesome wives, but the roles that God says men should have in a marriage are quite different from the roles of a wife. I hope that helps.


  11. Have you considered that maybe it’s not only a matter of fear but of risk and intelligence? You may very well be filtering out all of the smart, safe guys who understand that there are consequences to asking girls out that don’t like you in return.

    1. Hi There,

      I understand that it can be scary to ask a woman out, but God says, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”

      Psalm 56:11 says, “In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can they do to me?”


  12. Ms. Isham – I think that I understand your point, but there is a Melissa _____ of Psychology Today who says that women are missing out on GREAT guys who just do not ask women out at all, believing that they are intruding or forcing themselves on someone.This has NOTHING to do with avoiding rejection or hating women. She sees it as a healthy respect for women that is ultimately a good thing for a relatioship. Maybe women just WANT the rules to demand that men approach them first.

    1. Hmm, I don’t agree with what you say that person is teaching. I don’t know of ANY single woman who says, “Ugh, I just wish guys would stop asking me out all the time.”

      If a single man is polite and kind in initiating a conversation with a single woman and then proceeds to ask her to go on a date, there is nothing disrespectful about that. If she doesn’t care to go on a date, she can politely decline.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


  13. But what if you’ve never had a boyfriemd before or even know what it feels like to be liked by someone by the wayim 15 and just curious….?

    1. I think it’s great to wait to date until you are older. Spend your younger years developing your skills, talents, and personality. Pursue God and ask Him what He wants for your life, it will save you from unneeded heartache. Just my two cents. 🙂

  14. Ms. Isham and “Joe” – Let me see! The guy should be adventurous and courageous in approaching women (who INSIST that men need to do the approaching at all costs) , in keeping with the double standard. I,too, wanted to ask Jonathan why he believes that he would never do the approaching ( like me, leaving the approaching to women so that you at least know that she is interested in you).
    Ms. Melissa Kirk,Psychology Today, says that women are missing out on GREAT guys who just do not approach women at all. According to her, these are wonderful, well-adjusted men who just do not want to impose or be rude, with nothing at all to do with fear of rejection.

  15. Speaking as a female in my 20s, I am disappointed when guys don’t ask me out… but I feel it’s a little harsh to assume things about the guys who are unwilling to do so. It’s great if they do, but I don’t think it should be required.

    If the guy is unwilling to ask, why can’t the girl ask the guy out instead of waiting? I think it should work both ways, I don’t think it’s fair for guys to do all the asking.

    If you’re talking about the traditional gender roles of courtship, wouldn’t girls have a lot less to lose? If they ask a guy out, and get rejected, they would be seen as brave. If they a guy DOES NOT ask a girl out, he’d be consider un-manly. Assuming we’re striving for equality, asking the man to always ask females out is a bit of a double standard.

    We should take gender out of the equation, and just view people as people, with fears and feelings.

    1. You raise good points, Cassie, but I still disagree. God has specific roles that He commands for husbands and specific roles for the wives, those are never supposed to be the same. Historically speaking, the privilege of a man to ask a woman to be his wife, was just that – a privilege. But more than that, the proposal, engagement and courtship process were supposed to be an earthly representation of the kind of love that God has for his “beloved” – or all of those who believe in Him.

      I know that times have changed, but men still need to be men. In order to lead their families the way God has commanded them to do so, they will need to be brave and courageous. If a man is too fearful to ask a woman out, what makes that woman think that he will be brave enough to face what will come their way in the future.

      There are no magic married buttons. Singles ought to be “practicing” to be the kind of man or woman that they want to be when they are married. If a man does not take small courageous steps while he is single -like asking a woman to go on a date even though she might reject him- what would you logically expect to see if you marry him? Just a little food for thought.

  16. I wonder how the woman can make it easier for an autistic man because I am autistic and I don’t know understand how to approach her. How would he know when to ask her out? Without even saying anything, I give a bad impression and I think I get avoided. If the autistic is a woman, at least the man can ask her out and not seem wrong. Autistics really struggle with reading and expressing emotions and easily miss the love expression.

    1. I think if you are making attempts to be enjoyable and ask questions to get to know women, that always helps. I will be praying for you, but keep me posted on how things go. If anything, try asking a girl out. The worst that can happen is that she will say no, but by taking the first step, the next time it will feel a little less scary. And Remember, you only marry one person in the end, so anyone who says “no” is not a bad person, just not the right one for you at the time. Ask God to lead you in this area and He will.

      Lindsey Graves

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