5 Tips on How To Get Asked Out by a Shy Guy

It is not easy getting asked out by a single, eligible, responsible, good looking man… especially when that man is SHY!

Call me crazy, but I still believe that men should pursue women, not  the other way around.

This concept is difficult for women to grasp, especially if you have any of the Type A personality traits like I do.

This is how it starts out:

#1 You see a good-looking guy.

#2 You smile and make eye-contact from across the room – hoping he will get the hint and come over and talk to you.

#3 He doesn’t get the hint (You make the excuse that he is probably just really shy) and you realize you are NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, so instead you ask him out (because you think you have nothing to lose).

#4 He either says “yes” or “no”. If he says “yes” you probably spend the majority of the relationship wondering if he really likes you, or if it is just “convenient” to be with you.

*Yes I understand the above statements are a generalization, but I wrote it because the majority of the time it is true*

Do you think guys like getting rejected? Nope.

Do you think they get nervous asking girls out? Yep.

But just because it is scary, nerve-racking, or intimidating to walk up to a woman and ask her to dinner (especially if he is shy), it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen.

Guys mature into men in many different ways, one way is through their relationship with women.

Ladies- Let guys be men. Let them initiate. Let them take risks and when you do, they will become the kind of man you are praying you will one day marry.

They will gain self confidence and the adreniline pumps through their blood every time they get ready to call a girl or ask a pretty woman out… this is normal, so let the normal process happen by stepping out of the way.

Here are 5 Ways to Help You Get Asked Out by a Shy Guy:

#1 Do you Look Dateable?
Appearance is the first thing a guy notices about you, and since you never know where you will meet your future husband, always dress to “impress.”

Also, a note about purity rings, when I am in a relationship with a man, I wear my purity ring on my ring-finger (my left hand), but when I am single/dateable, I wear it on my right hand. If guys look at you then see your purity ring on the “wedding ring-finger” they  will most likely keep their distance.

#2  Body Language:
80% of communication is non-verbal, what are you saying through your body language and is it saying, “Hi” or “Leave me alone?” If you frequent coffee shops and always choose the same chair, use your laptop and your noise canceling headphones, you will probably never get asked out in that coffee shop.

If however, you are attentive to your surroundings, smile at people, chat with some close you, make eye contact with others, your body language is communicating a “non-hostile” environment and thus increasing your chances of getting asked out.

#3  What is your response?
Since I suggest that women don’t make the first move, I instead suggest that they develop the art/skill of responding to men who do initiate.

Since we understand that it takes a lot of courage for a guy to ask a girl out, when they put forth the slightest effort, it helps alleviate some of their stress if we respond in a welcoming/friendly way.  I am not suggesting you lean over and kiss the guy – don’t get crazy on me- but I am suggesting you help him with the conversation.

For example, say a guy has the guts to walk over and start talking to me (either about a subject I like or don’t like), it is always polite for me to engage in the conversation.

Remember, sometimes you have to talk about nothing before you talk about something!

What I mean is this, sometimes you will talk about surface level stuff like the coffee, your favorite drink, the weather, whatever… before you can expect to have a deeper conversation with him. So ladies, help him out a little!

#4  Don’t be too quick to judge:
Even if you think he is cute from a distance, or just “okay” looking, give the guy a shot.  Don’t be too quick to judge him and always be friendly.

#5  Be patient!

We want love and we want it NOW!

But this is not how love works. If you know a guy at church, Bible study, work, etc. and you truly think they are a catch… BE PATIENT!

We don’t ever like to hear the word “wait” especially when it comes to relationships, but I keep deferring back to I Corinthians 13:4 which says, “Love is patient.”

One definition for the word “patient” is: long suffering.  When you think you can wait no longer for that guy to ask you out, check back with God and see what He is telling you. He will either tell you to keep waiting, or He will bring someone else along and you won’t think about that other guy anymore.

For more information about sex, dating, relationships, and trusting God:

~ Buy the Book ~
No Sex in the City
Lindsey N. Isham

  1. I absolutely love the encouragement to be patient and let the man be the pursuer. I totally agree with everything you wrote and frequently repeat it to my friends and family who are not as traditional as I. My only question is, “What about guys you might like, but would love to also be friends with? Do you know pursue them for friendship as well?”

    Case in point: On Sunday, I went to a superbowl party, met a bunch a great guys who I would not turn down if they asked me out. However, it was a “singles” event. And most girls are like vultures when it comes to (cute) Christian guys in singles ministries… or maybe that’s just my church. With that said, I’m not aggressive and really take a hands off approach because I don’t want to be lumped in that category.

    But there was this one guy that I had a GREAT conversation with but it was cut short early because we switched seats getting snacks, lost our places, and he left early. So I had this whole internal dilemma on whether I facebook stalk him because I wasn’t able to exchange information or do I wait and hope I see him again. My chances are really slim because I’m not a part of this singles ministry and I don’t think he hangs out with my set of mutual friends from this party.

    Anyways, after toying with myself, laying it down before God, and picking it back up again for a good 24 hours, I sent him a message, and hope he responds.

    So the question is, in a world where you never know if that great guy in your Bible study is your husband or just a great guy for someone else, do you still wait and play coy if you want to be friends with him? And if it’s okay, because you made the first move to be friends, are you (me) dashing your chances of being seen as something more in the future because you’ve made the first move… even though it wasn’t a romantic one?

    1. I love your candor Shena!

      Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be… if you are having a party and inviting people, you usually have to INVITE the guys too 🙂 I wouldn’t worry about that, but from my understanding of guys, if they like you (and have the guts/self esteem to ask you out) and if they are single, they will find a way to get in touch with you… then your job will be to respond.

      God doesn’t play games, so don’t think that because you “friended” him on facebook that you ruined your chances (for example), but leave it at that and wait.

      Keep me posted on how things go!

  2. Nice article Lindsay! Currently I am into a guy who is shy who has been ‘making eyes at me’ during class (I’m in college) and he got up the courage to talk to me after our second class together. Although, I’m confused because he hasn’t tried to talk to me again but I still see him trying to slyly check me out and now we are friends on Facebook (oh yea the so official Facebook lol). I’m wondering whats up because he seemed interested but now won’t say anything. Maybe when we first talked he thought I wasn’t interested but I really was so excited that I could barely do more than make a brief comment and giggle girlishly. Either way, no need to tell you my life story…good article hahaha.

  3. It’s soo hard to be patient for anything these days! I have a habit of being the one to start the conversation or say hi(thats how I met my ex), so I know I need to learn to back off.

  4. Hi Lindsey,

    All I can say is thank God I found this site…What you stated in the last part about being patient is so very helpful to me that it nearly made me cry. I have a sense of peace again that I have not had for the past couple of months. I met a man that I had an instant attraction too and I am not talking lustful, it was different. I like everything about him and the first time we actually made eye contact it was like I realised everything I had been waiting for was right their in those eyes and that soul..within a split second my heart just said that’s him. I believe he felt it too beause we actually stopped speaking mid sentence and stared..I understand the reference to being ‘struck by a lightening bolt’ now. I do not get to see him to often and the circumstances make it really hard to get to know him, plus i am shy and he also seems shy. Which was making me insane with impatience….Thankyou from the bottom of my heart…I believe what you said Love is patient and feel relief knowing if the lord wills it, I have no need to fret and if not then the lord will deliever me from this with someone else whom is right for me….GOD bless you

  5. I really like this guy but he is super shy the only thing is that he is 10 years, older than me I know that he likes me but he hadn’t told me anything in over A year we just flirt allot what should I do cuz I feel like I have waited a long time already

  6. First off, this is the first article I’ve found on this topic written by someone saying I *shouldn’t* pursue said shy-guy–just what I was looking for! I’m a shy Christian *girl* myself & a classic romantic at heart who believes the guy should always make the first relationship move.
    Anyway, my situation is that I’m friends w/ a shy guy whose family has grown close to mine, and therefore, I never get to spend time with him alone and can’t really discern (w/o his or my family members) how he feels about me outside of friendship. Also, he lives far enough away that we don’t see each other very often, so all the tips I’ve gotten about “spend more time w/ him and see!” don’t help much. I’m pretty sure, from the signs I’ve gotten from him, that he has feelings for me; however, he’s a little bit younger than me (not a lot! But when you’re young, even a year or two can feel like a lot) & I think he may feel intimidated about asking me out. Should I come on stronger and drop more hints (other than complimenting him, laughing at his jokes, and occasional staring, I haven’t flirted much–not my style)? Or should I accept the fact that maybe he just doesn’t feel the same way about me?
    I’ve been praying about the whole issue for months & from the way everything has been fitting together, I believe God’s giving me the “ok” on this whole relationship. I’m just wondering, how much should I leave up to the guy? & would pushing it more be trying to rush God’s plans?
    Sorry for all of the questions on an older post, I just really enjoyed what you had to say on the topic & thought you might be able to give me some insight! 🙂

    1. I am sorry it took me so long to respond to you… I took a break from writing to plan my wedding, but I am back now!

      How have things progressed?

      Long distance can be hard. How old are you two? If anything, when I used to get confused about guys, or when I liked a guy who was godly and I wasn’t sure how he felt about me, I thanked God for giving me a real life example that godly guys are still out there.

      Hope. I have no idea how things will turn out for you two, but I know that God is the God of hope. If anything, because you know this awesome guy, and you have feelings for him, this should give you hope. Hope that one day you can grow in love with a godly guy who is easy to be around, fun, cute, and who thinks you are pretty cool too. Whether or not it is this guy, only God knows, but thank God that all of the good ones are NOT taken!

      I don’t think you need to press the relationship, either he will ask you out or he won’t. But in the meantime, don’t put your life on hold; keep living and keep having fun, you never know what will happen or who you will meet!

      Keep me posted!


  7. I work with a shy guy. For a year we’ve been dancing around each other. I like him and I can tell he likes me too. For months he’s been showing up where I am and staring/smiling at me all the time. After months of that he started saying hi to me in the hall and talking more than before. Everyone in the building knows I like him and I’m sure he knows too. He hasn’t had any serious girlfriends ever in his adult life(he’s 35). He’s so shy and a little inexperienced with dating. How long before he’ll tell me how he feels and ask me out on a date? HELP!!!

    1. Hi Jill,

      As I read what you wrote I felt like I was watching a trailer to the next big chick flick!
      What to do? What do you want to do? The way I see it (if you agree with me that a guy should ask a girl out) then you have two options:

      #1 Wait.

      #2 Move on.

      I know what you are thinking right now, where’s the pep talk? but don’t worry, it’s coming. 🙂

      How you wait or how you move on can possibly help him take the next step, or he will keep doing absolutely nothing. Either way, you don’t really have much to lose, right?

      First question: Do you think you make him feel comfortable? When he talks, do you listen? Do you ask him questions back?

      Second question: What is he like with other people? Does he have people-skills? Can he hold conversations with people? Let me know what you observe about him in this area… if he is so shy that he won’t interact with anyone, well, this will probably be problematic if you two ever do have a romantic relationship together.

      You need a guy who is confident enough to stick up for what he wants (and when you get married) he needs to have enough strength to stick up for what you want too.

      Just some things to think about. Get back to me and once I understand this guy a little bit better, I will give you some (hopefully) helpful advice. 🙂


  8. theres this guy he told me likes me alot and i like him too but hes too shy to ask me out i’ve known him for 3 years what should i do?

  9. I like this guy and have since May. He is a really shy guy and I am generally a really shy girl. He’s actually asked me out before in July but I wasn’t available and asked for a rain check but he never took me up on it and asked me out again. Now months later he’s acting the same way he was in July and I want to encourage him to ask me out but I don’t know how

    1. Hi Desi,

      Hmm… can you say something like, “So how about that rain check?” See what he says. If he isn’t interested or if he is, I bet you will find out if you ask that question. Let me know how it goes. 🙂


  10. I love these articles. I am too attracted to a lovely man at church but not sure if he likes me. I often worry I am like a beacon showing how I feel and really struggle to look him in the eyes. I really want to get to know him better and even wanted to take first step but reading these articles I think it’s best to wait before making a fool of myself and potentially ruin a lovely friendship . But I cannot get him off my mind .

  11. i met a girl she works at the bank i cash my ckecks at. i’m pretty sure she likes me. good eye contact, always smiling. lately with little cute jokes and comments she has been blushing.Iwant to ask her out but the bank is always so quiet and i dont want to embaress her or have other people know our business.

    1. Hi Jim,

      So, what did you do? Did you ask her out? Maybe slide her a piece of paper that says something like “I would love to get to know you more, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime? Check YES or No :(” If it’s a yes, could you please give me your number or email so I can get in touch with you to arrange it all?”

      It might sound cheesy, but girls kind of like cheesy. Let me know what happens!


  12. i have a problem and i dont know how to deal with this guy, i think i like him and he also like me but my problem is he doesnt call just sms and its been three months now, should i wait for him or move on please help i’m in dark need some light, he only ask me out once but i was not available that time so since then not asking again

  13. Hi Lindsey. My name is Samantha. I’m not even sure how I stumbled across this site but you seem so confident in your faith and I would like to seek a little advice. I am 26 yrs old and I have never had a bf or been in love. Guys I meet always want to “be my friend” or they come on too strong and ask me “back to their place” and/or ask in more inappropriate ways. The other day, I was on a date that began with the guy saying, “I’ll just sleep at your place tonight.” Excuse me? I stood up and walked out. I am getting so frustrated and lonely and losing faith in ever finding love. By now, my friends are all in love, moving in with boyfriends and getting married. I spend a lot of time being amidst cuddling couples and it is getting old as I have been lonely for a while now.

    There is one man in my life that has not propositioned me or made me uncomfortable in any way. Well, he isn’t in my life as much as I’d like him to be. We have mutual friends and run into each other every now and again. He is very handsome and sweet, and very fun/funny (from how I witness him interact with other people). The only problem is that he gets tongue tied and nervous around me and can barely hold a conversation. He often walks away at an awkward pause or leaves without saying goodbye. His friends have told me he talks about me all the time and has feelings for me. I want to get to know him but this has gone on without any pursuit for about a year now. It is not looking good… and you say I have to wait or move on. But move onto what? I have never met a guy so nervous around me and it makes me feel special (I guess compared to what I’m used to). I don’t know what to do. Do you have any insights?

    Thank you Lindsey.

  14. Thx for the article I have a problem here there is this guy in my work that stares at me a lot turned out he likes me then we go out all of us together work colleagues and my manger tells him that why isn’t he talking .turned out he was going to do the first move but at last moment he didn’t talk and now everyone knows in the company and me myself I know but he still haven’t make any moves and one of my friends told me that he is not ready yet. I really don’t understand what’s going on ? How come he isn’t ready and he was going to talk ? How one he is not ready and he told everyone that he likes me ? Is he that shy ? He is a very social person ,so popular but when he gets around me he gets nervous and he can’t remove his eyes just staring at me every time he sees me ?. THis is getting on my nerves it’s been like that for 2 months

  15. Hi Lindsey. I met a guy through my sister’s friends. The night we met we had really good conversations and actually exchanged phone numbers that night. The following day he actually initiated texting me and since then we have been texting on and off. We have actually seen each other two times after the first time we met, but its always in group settings. I had also invited him one time to a party we were having which he said he would come then didn’t show up (which I think is largely because his friend was out of town and unable to go with him). However, the next day he messaged me apologizing for not coming and how he hates to be one to say he is coming to something and be a no-show, etc. which really makes me think he’s more on the shy side.

    When we message each other it seems like always fun joking back and forth, but we usually go a good few days between talking to each other and I purposely try to limit how much I initiate texting him so it isn’t me always starting up the conversations and pushing things. I am definitely of the mindset of wanting the guy to be the one to initiate going out, etc. I don’t know how to get him to really initiate something by actually asking me to do something. It seems he has some interest based on what has happened so far, but its hard to really know especially since we don’t really share any close friends that would know what he’s feeling, etc.

    Like for New Years I think that would be a great time to get a group together to hang out and spend time together, but I really don’t want to be the one to ask him to do something again. It’s probably been about a month since we met now. What should I do moving forward?

  16. As someone who just turned 30 and is struggling with singleness, I want you to know that you’re FANTASTIC! It’s definitely not easy to wait on Christian guys and to face persecution for standing against premarital sex. Just to know that there are others out there willing to go through loneliness for the sake of the cross makes such a difference. Wow!

    1. Aw, Lizzie, that makes me so happy. Every day I struggled in my waiting journey, seems even more worth it when I hear from awesome people like you. If there is anything I can do to continue to encourage you, just let me know. 🙂

      I will be praying for you… it is totally worth the wait!

  17. The thing is I don’t have time. I really like this guy, like a whole lot, but I’ve only got six weeks till the end of the school year, and I don’t know if it would be possible for me to see him over summer. He’s caught up on a girl who will never date him, and I can’t get past aquaintances with him. He knows I like him, and he’s super nice about it but he doesn’t seem the least but interested, and I’m awful at moving on.

    1. Hey Ashley,

      Moving on is always the easiest way to get over a crush, especially when that guy is already in a relationship… Would you rather spend time with a guy who tolerates you, or would you rather spend your time with a man who cherishes you? I would always prefer the second option. 🙂

  18. Hey! I kinda have a problem. This very handsome guy in uni stares at me a lot and i can feel that there’s something going on. He once said something random to me ( it wasnt really a conversation) but the problem is that he stares at me a lot but he doesn’t really make a move. I usually look back and we just ‘eyeflirt’. We sometimes smile a little and he usually likes to show off ( like a peacock).. But he doesnt really approach me, is it because he’s shy and should i just be patient and smile or move on?

    1. Hey there, any updates? Fill me in. What did you decide to do? Eye-flirting can be fun for five minutes or so, but if a guy never gets around to doing anything, maybe it’s best to move on. Just my two cents. 🙂

  19. Excellent web site you have here.. It’s hard to find good quality writing like yours these days.
    I honestly appreciate people like you! Take care!!

  20. I’m happy I found this site because am currently in love with my best friend and I know him to be a Godly shy guy but recently I just didn’t see anything coming and I don’t want to loose my best friend also I want to stay away from him to sort out my feelings am just confused

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